Archive for June, 2010

dream

June 30, 2010

Can you dream, lying awake at night,
alone and tired,
afraid of things
you never were before?

I thought no too,
but now i know better
soulless bomber
who took my life away.

Did you know what
havoc you were out to wreck
on lives you not even know
when you took the wow to do?

And now I know
what it is to lie awake at night
thinking, crying
dreaming, awake.

12/26/2009 1:26 pm

anew

June 29, 2010

anew

17:30, june 28, 2010

in losing you
i have lost
the will
to live

against all edicts
all reasoning
all sermons
from pulpits high

sitting
day in day out
wondering
why

terror dawned
to start my day
the dusk of which
took you away

where can i again
regain
the will
for it was you

all the reasons
all the seasons
spring in winters
never summer or autumn.

and not getting any answer
i sit and brood
wondering, if ever.
the day will dawn anew.

will of which god?

June 29, 2010

13:45 – june 28, 2010

even today
a week shy of months nine
you come and say
it was god’s will
and had to pass
and some story you narrate
to allay your fear
and stay the tear.
always god’s will
in things that hurt
things that pain
where you cannot explain
the raison d’être of it
and go away
happy in the feeling
that you have pleased
both god and me
for his will is indisputable.

and as asking you is futile
i sit and ask myself
for between the will of god
and the act of man
you cannot discern the madness
that man has wrecked
on the lives of so many
others like me.
senseless
brutal
misguided
saddening
madness
the very act of
suicide
looked down upon
by god’s of all
and us too.

how can an act forbidden
by the god’s of all
that created this chaos
be the will of god?
and i sit and wonder
when you will see
the futility of your reasoning
for in accepting this
you accept too
the misguided dehumanization
of the man
who blew himself up
known as the suicide bomber
and side with his people
the detractors of mankind’s
kindest emotion
the oneness of man with his god.

and in this acceptance
you allow the next
unholy will of god
to become holy
and glorify
that what you should be
assailing, condemning
deriding, speaking against.
but it is easier to go with the flow
and hard to say things true
so be it, for it is not you
perpetrators of god’s will
who lost someone
but i, who did.
and i cannot understand
how an act of terror
horror, sin
could be the will of god?

reality – october 05, 2009

June 9, 2010

took me almost eight months to sit and write this.

gul rukh tahir was the first victim of the october 05, 2009 suicide bombing in the united nations world food program country office, islamabad, pakistan. this piece has been written by tahir wadood malik her widower on may 9, 2010, at 5:45 pm
——————————————————–

reality

the call called me out
and i ran.
a scene of chaos
before me i saw
no one familiar
no one known
pell-mell running feet
stopping all from going in.

a hand held my arm
i looked at a face
worn and sad
she is taken from here
to the medical centre
or the hospital
hurry sir
he said.

i turned and ran
the medical centre was near,
first there i thought
and walked briskly
a voice called out
i turned
the medical centre sir
she is taken there.

a hop and i was there
running to the steps up
when another voice called
sir here
turning i saw him pointing
he came close and said
be strong sir
and turned his face.

down the slope i went,
entering a small room,
packed full with people
smelling of antiseptic,
gurneys covered in white sheets
a doctor looked at me
i took your name.

she looked at me
sad and sorry
pointing to the nearest
white sheet, she walked to it.
i stood as if riveted to the floor
is she gone i asked
she nodded,
and held the corner of the sheet.

leaden feet one after the other
just three steps
to see your face
drained of life’s color
the smile gone
nothing to give me hope.
just an endless dark tunnel,
with no light at the end.

you had left the world
you had left me, who you said
was your world,
i was left
without a thought
without any idea of next.
looking at your white face
closed eyes, look at me i said.

did you smile?
did you know i was standing there?
did you feel the tear
that fell on your cheek?
did you feel my hand on your face?
could you feel my willing you to wake?
or was it all cold, all dark,
and finished for you?

i stood there,
suddenly tired and racked with sobs
no one to hold me
no one to console me
no one to say hush
all alone.
not even you to say i am here.
together we will overcome.

and then the haze
people coming and going
a leg lay on the table next to you
supposedly of the bomber
people came and looked at it
no one bothered about us
but that leg was it for all then.
and i was frozen in pain, anger and angst.

formalities
ambulance ride
people gathering
crying.
wailing
intruding in my feelings
despair, grief, anger,
and a loss infinite.

rituals,
more people,
waiting for the inevitable
arrivals
more and more
but where in all this are you?
lying cold and unconcerned in a bed
draped in a white coffin

i looked at you
wanting you to smile
wanting you to open your eyes
desperation
wishing for the noise of the wails
beating chests and prayers
to wake you
from the depth of death.

but your face
serene, calm
without worries at last
fresh like the morning dew
not even lines of any hue
eyes closed,
even the white cloth,
pale against your skin.

and they came also
who had not come before
all standing
some silent
some crying
all sad
all lost
no words no actions enough.

and then it was time
picking you up
one on each of the four posts
reciting the oneness of god
who had taken you from me
so cruelly,
still being exalted and called to succor,
knowing i had but to suffer.

and then the prayers,
and a ride to the last resting place
a pit dark and dreary
i shuddered
you would hold my arm
even to step a step up
and this was so much down!
how could i hold you now?

and it was all over
dust to dust
prayers
consoling words
a dirge
another prayer
dispersal
how could i leave you?

but i did leave you
alone
in a pit covered with fresh dug soil
put on there with my own hands
my prayers mixed with the rest
a feel of death, a pain, a void,
in my heart
where you lived.

and food was served
people forgot death
food, the source of life
for the living was being taken
no one bothered to say
sorry
the food was important
my loss was reality and not.

and then they left
leaving me to my self
my thoughts
my feelings
my emptiness
my fight with my god
my forlornness
and my grief

and good too that was
for there was too much
going on in me
fears
feelings
remorse
thoughts
nostalgia

and the night passed
just as you had passed from this
to another world
just as i had passed
from a happy man
to a sad being
wondering why
this had come to pass?

but then life reared its head
wanting to extract its pound of flesh
not wanting to wait for the next
but wanting me not to rest
and i shrugged
and i looked
and i picked up the shackles of life
and i went to put my shoulder to the plough.